New beginnings

     After over a year of inactivity I've decided to pull a George Lucas and reboot this dying blog and give it new life, hopefully without ruining the little reputation it already had. The difference is that I won't simply be tearing things apart in my teenage angst for my own satisfaction. I'll be reviewing with a more open mind and won't confine myself to lackluster Hollywood money shots, I want to share my opinion on good pieces of work and actually shine a light on films I enjoy. So I guess what I'm saying is I'm writing just another film blog.

     All is not lost, however. I will from time to time rip apart some pieces of crap for my own sadistic pleasure and provide my opinion on anything concerning the film industry. My aim is essentially to build a portfolio of work but also hopefully entertain the handful of you that will read this.

   There's not much else I have to say so expect something of substance soon and also a new blog title whenever I can think of something just as witty and relevant. 

Where we're going we don't need roads.

So, we're in 2011 now and we're living in the future that films were always telling us about. Back to the Future Part II promised us hoverboards, holograms, flying cars and those silver glasses that you can see through even though they show no signs of translucency. In this era of economic meltdown however, as peasants fight on the streets for scraps of dog shit, we have had to settle. The biggest, best and most epochal development in modern technology is 3D viewing. Now we are able to sit and watch something in three actual dimensions, life will never be the same again with this added dimension to our lives. Before the sense of awe begins to settle within you, just remind yourself that 3D films have been around in Hollywood since the 1920s. What's more it seems that Nazi propaganda films have been found that were shot in 3D, so now it was supposedly endorsed by Hitler and his merry band of murderers. It doesn't seem so special now does it? Good, because it isn't.

3D has, is, and always will be a gimmick. It's used by studios who have a shitty film, and know it's a shitty film, and want to try and salvage some money from they're shitty train wreck. Even just to make money in general, in it's early days it didn't matter what you were seeing if the poster said 'In 3D which will blow your mind and destroy your face!'. The problem is what you did end up seeing was always the same, some purple heap of shit because of the multi coloured glasses you were wearing distorted any kind of colour in the film. There was no way of focusing on the story, you either sat with the glasses on, completely preoccupied by your disappointment in the 'Wonders' of three dimensions. Either that or you take them off and get a migraine staring at the blurry images, hoping they did no permanent damage to your eyes. Some however disregarded both of those reactions and stared at the shiny screen with their slack jaws, gawping at the figures coming at them thinking, 'I'm in da films'. That was what it was about, trying to give some sense of interaction, who wants to sit and watch a stupid story with stupid characters saying a bunch of words and doing a bunch of stuff in two dimensions when you can watch something in three dimensions where they come out of the screen and replace the friends that you don't have? An idiot, that's who.

Nowadays we've abandoned those cardboard blue and red pieces of shit in favour of more advanced technology like the wondrous 'RealD' technology, and I'm not going to lie, when I try and comprehend how the technology works it confuses me and makes my brain all sore, so like any sane person that doesn't understand something, I decided it's evil and must be abolished or at the very least ignored. The rekindling of 3D viewing in the last few years has turned cinema into some sort of three dimensional wankfest where anyone and everyone is blowing their money on making their films jump out and shout "Boo." It was forgivable with animated films because all the kiddies love anything unordinary like sitting in a dark cinema wearing sunglasses, the fucking idiots. When it's spread onto films targeted at mature audiences though is when it feels like it's taking the piss and this is when I start to get pretty pissed off. It's so annoyingly fucking condescending, wanting me to be impressed by this shiny new technology like they're rubbing their cock in my face going "Yeah you like that don't you bitch?! Put it in your mouth!". I've spent most of my life watching regular films on a regular two dimensional screen and I've been more than happy, but now they're shoving this down our throats like it will somehow make it better. If I wanted to be in a three dimensional world I'd go outside and live my life instead of sitting in the dark room that smells of popcorn and faint odours of piss, surrounded by a bunch of pricks that are there because they had nothing better to do and won't shut the fuck up. I couldn't care less about how many fucking dimensions I'm watching this in, just fucking entertain me. Also, stop charging me extra for this third dimension, I get it everywhere else for free. What's really depressing is that I know there are some fully grown people that actually enjoy it more because of the three dimensions, the sort of people that loved 'Jackass 3D', I think of these people and their collective idiocy makes me want to shoot up and American high school to make some sort of statement and then get it blamed on Marilyn Manson, because that's what people do when they're pissed off. The 3D Disney films about Hannah Montana or that fucking Justin Bieber piece of shit should count as some sort of abuse to the eyes and mind of the worlds youth, sexing them up for profit. Disney Whores.

Not content with forcing this shit down my throat when I go to the cinema it now seems like the 3D Satan is breaking into my house to rub his dick in my face again and all over my things. It seems like major networks are jumping on the 3D bandwagon, and now 3DTV's are the next big thing. I wish I could simply ignore it but it feels like it's going to go the same way as HDTV's, they'll be mandatory by the year 2015, the year we should have been travelling through time and doing something about Marty's kids. Any older forms of televised entertainment will be erased from history and we'll all be marching under the banner of this 3D Big Brother being forced to comply. It's creeping it's way into all forms of televised entertainment, games are adding all this 3D shit now, and one day that'll probably piss everyone off by being mandatory too. We can only hope that civilisation will realise how retarded it's being and abandon the 3D project altogether, leaving everyone who's invested in these 3DTV's crying over the money they wasted on such shit, what sort of bastard wants to wear those weird goggles watching TV? I feel nerdy enough when someone walks in on me playing games alone with that weird concentration face people pull, how sad would I look wearing those shitty goggles? I'd rather get caught masturbating.

It seems like there's no going back, we're stuck being dragged painfully towards this inevitable future, stuck with shit like 'Avatar', they're making at least two more of those shit heaps. Which will inevitably make more money than a small country and set us back another 50 years, but I'm not going to get started on this again. Looks like we'll have to brace for this bleak gimmicky future that'll screw us for money for something we don't even want.

The 3D revolution is here, and it's fucking televised.

The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause

I understand that it is a month since Christmas, but this film has angered me so much in the last two years that it deserves to be outed as a massive filmcunt. I'd also like to say fuck you BBC, you take tax payers money to fund your existence, and on the one day a year where families get to sit at home happily ignoring the debt they got themselves in for all the shit they bought that will be broken or forgotten within weeks, you decide to pay them back with this piece of horseshit? Honestly? For the last two fucking years? It must be hard getting rights to a Christmas film but there has got to be something better than this that you can use, you're the BBfuckingC. Again, fuck you. I can't even change the channel and watch something better because all that's on at that time on Christmas day is 'The Railway Children' or the Pope giving Mass or some shit. Anyway, that rant's over time to start this one.

Ed Decter and John J. Strauss. I would like to find these men and would genuinely like to punch them in their dicks for their crimes against words. How could anyone write this film and think it is worthy of the time and money needed to create a film? Actually, how could anyone write this film, look back at what they've written and not kill themselves for being the worst person since Hitler? Just like Hitler, all this film needed was someone to stand there and say "NO, stop this shit right now." and this shit could have been averted. Instead they just stood aside and let it come along and shit all over everything that is decent and human.

I've seen the first of this trilogy and there was no need for anyone to ever think that carrying this on would be a good idea. I can't even see it being successful in basic economic terms, but unfortunately all families will take their kids to the cinema to see anything Christmassy at that time of the year in an attempt to satisfy their Christmas urge and hopefully shut them up. Unfortunately it never works and they spend over an hour trying to quietly shout at their loud children whilst apologising to everyone around them. Anyone watching these films deserves torture by children though, so I guess it balances itself out.

Who decided that actors didn't even need to try anymore? No amount of money they could be paid would have convinced them that what they were doing was a good thing. Shame on them all. What makes it worse is the character of Jack Frost. His face is just so creepy and unsettling I would have felt much more comfortable sitting with my thumbs in my eyes. Even in the final scene where his 'cold heart is warmed by the magic of a hug' (seriously who the fuck came up with that idea? I'm a very accepting and liberal person but even I thought that was just too gay) His coldness melts and he's meant to look all pleasant and nice now. They just dialled the paedo-look up to eleven. What I hate more is the shitty attempt to make a sort of 'It's a Wonderful Life' plot by showing what would happen if Jack Frost became Santa. They try to make it look like he turns it into some sort of consumerist nightmare, probably in an attempt to make some sort of statement about Christmas nowadays. It's like they're trying to say we need to go back to the true spirit of Christmas. If so where the fuck was Jesus? Exactly so fuck off trying to teach kids shit.

What sort of prick tries to make people feel this angry on Christmas morning? I will never be able to fully express how much I hate this film short of going on a killing spree, taking out everyone that had anything to do with the making of that film. It's more disgusting and depraved than 'A Serbian Film'

A Serbian Film

If you'd like a finely written review from a reputable source then mosey on over here :http://filmstuffforpeoplewholikefilms.blogspot.com/2010/12/serbian-film.html
And follow this blog because it's awesome and will make you stronger.



First off *SPOILER ALERT* Because it's hard to talk about this film without discussing certain scenes, that's all that really remains with you from this film, I mean I've never heard anyone referring to the plot when they talk about this.

I'd also like to point out that I don't feel this falls into the category of SHIT FILMS because if I'm honest I like this film in a disturbing kind of way, which feels like it says more about me than the film. I mean I know it isn't anything special and I'm sure it would make the same impact if it was made solely of certain scenes that have given the film the stigma that's attached to it, but I admire the balls of someone who whips shit like this up onto a screen just like I admire the courage of a man who displays his genitals in a crowded area, it shows determination and a belief in the importance of your cause. I also just want to know how you direct a scene where a man fucks a newborn baby, once an actor has gotten himself into the mind of that character it's got to be awkward looking him in the eye again afterwards, and I do mean eye not eyes as those of you who have seen the film will know.

Anyway, the film. Well it's about 100 minutes of sex. It also likes to gradually push the boundaries of what the audience is willing to accept. In that sense the film is a lot like anal sex, it's about as painful as I'd imagine it is to receive anal sex too. It eases you in with some uncomfortable scenes to start like a child watching a video of his father in a porn film, I won't even get into the morals of good parenting here, then it gradually pushes further with the guys brother watching another one of his brothers porn films while being fellated, at this point you feel like it was a bad idea starting this in the first place but little do you know this film hasn't even started fucking you yet.

The turning point is the now notorious 'baby fucking scene' as I'll call it. This is when the film turns from the once delicate lover into the violent sodomiser it really is. You really get a sense of what you're in for at this point and there's still a lot more to come. It starts to throw everything at you, gradually making you realise that it was a horrible idea to start this. So it has paedophilia, it also likes to throw in a bit of necrophilia, as we see our films hero Milos hack a womans head off with a machete whilst still fucking her, what makes this scene worse in retrospect is that it's not even the worst scene of the film, it leaves that title in my opinion to the climactic scene which throws in some more paedophilia, some incest for good measure and what feels like a cheeky bit of skullfuckery. This scene does what it was made to do and leaves you with your mouth wide open making really high pitched sounds of shock every twenty seconds like a deflating sex doll.
By the end of the film we begin to process and accept what has just happened, and the quite touching moment as the family pass away together just puts to rest the events of the film, and just as the film has removed it's shaft from your anus you feel like you can start putting it all behind you. The final line however, just drops it to a new low and it's like the moment you try and sit down and remember how painfully you were just fucked.
As with anal sex the film leaves you feeling awkward and quite ashamed with yourself, and it's hard to go back to the way you were beforehand, and I like it. Not anal sex though, it's not for me.

I can't really say if this film has done what it was made to do, Director Srdjan Spasojevic wanted to make a point about the Serbian government and rules of censorship, and I think he managed to make his point, but that's not what the film will be remembered for. This film just creates a benchmark of shock value, and I feel like nothing I see in a film will ever really shock me anymore.

Summary: A Serbian Film is Anal Sex.

Avatar

Before I start I want to ask, Why the hell did this film not make as much money when it was released back in 1995?
If you don't understand what I mean then quickly read over this:
http://images.huffingtonpost.com/gen/130283/original.jpg

Yes. It is the same fucking film. James Cameron started writing it in 1994 and even when he saw this he thought he'd just re-release it with over the top visual effects (I assume he saw it because everyone has seen it. No exceptions).
I want to say that I did like the visual effects of 'Avatar' seeing as they were such a breakthrough and Cameron had wasted waited for so long for technology to catch up with his ideas of actors that aren't really actors. I want to be able to say that, but honestly after about 40 minutes that shit gave me a headache; it may have been due to the effects of 3D, or maybe because I knew I had to sit through nearly 3 fucking hours seeing a story I'd heard time and time again only this time it was done with blue cats.

What annoys me about 'Avatar' is how much money it made. I know that sounds like jealousy, but it's mainly because WTF? I don't know how Cameron churns out such bullshit, needlessly long films like his fairly two-dimensional 'Titanic' which made money off of menstrual teenage girls and their need for a love story (see also; Twilight) with stories that everyone knows the beginning, middle and end of *SPOILER* The fucking boat sinks.
Cameron might as well have just named it after its USP 'Cats on Acid' because that's what people were paying for. Anyone you saw queuing for that film had no idea what the story of that shit was, they just wanted to have their eyes melted with neon trees.
(If you want to watch Cats on Acid then here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJEw3A_QO9o  Now give me all of your money for my stolen film)

What actually annoys me most is that with this opinion I'm in the minority. The highest grossing film of all time has got to be pretty popular and I wonder if there's something I was missing. If I was watching it wrong. I can't help but get that thought out of my head. The only part of the film I enjoyed was when the Army guy with scars on his face (I don't care about his name) is in that Mecha-Robo suit and shivs the alien tiger thing in the stomach with a huge knife. That was a good shivving, but that's about 2 seconds of 162 minutes.
That's another thing, the only difference between the alien animals and animals on earth was they had an extra set of legs, which is pretty pointless because our animals seem to work fine.
That Jake Sully guy's a dick too, he does that tail connection thing with a pterodactyl and then the woman's like "Now you're connected for life" or some bullshit, then when that super pterodactyl comes along he's all over that, now his birds left to go and die in a ditch alone somewhere.

James Cameron must be doing something right. He directed the two highest grossing films of all time, I'll admit he's a good businessman. But a good director? No.

I'm not going to give this a score because if you haven't grasped my opinion of this film with what I just wrote then congratulations, you just wasted your time.

In the beginning...

This blog is dedicated to films. As the title suggests, shit ones.
For too long there have been many films that have worked to destroy film and the industry from the inside. Like some kind of shitty coup d'etat. I'm making it my mission to bring forward such traitors and shoot them in the proverbial face.

I'm not generally an angry person but everyone needs to vent and this is how I will be doing this.

I will only look deep into the meaning of a film if I find it entirely necessary. I don't think it will ever really require it with the shit I'll be picking to death.

Before I start I would like to address something:
 
This is my opinion. I'm not stating that my opinion is fact. What I am stating is that my opinion is closer to fact than yours. Unless you agree, in which case I'm glad we're on the same wavelength.

I will take any requests because I don't like searching for shit. It'll mainly be if something throws it's shitty self right in my face and smears itself everywhere. Then I might be inclined to beat the shit out of that shit. Verbally.

I do plan on reviewing Twilight, I have already planned it out in my head without having even seen the film yet. If you tell me to read the book I'll tell you to fuck off and stop wasting my time.
I'll be wasting enough time with the shit I'm making myself watch.

Don't tell me no one is forcing me to waste my time, I'm sure this idea was given to me by God. Satan has left these films on Earth and I believe God wants me to bring forward these sinners. If you argue with me you're arguing with God, and you can't win an argument with God so don't start.

I retain my Right to post anything I feel to be good enough that I must share it. I may also write about books or anything else that takes my fancy. I won't usually waste my time with shit books though because that's more time consuming and I reserve my reading time for good books.

If my attitude has angered you, no one has forced you to be here so fuck off. That is all.